Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Terry Is Sorry, Baby...
[The following is what I imagine the conversation was like in the clubhouse upon Lancaster Barnstormers third baseman Terry Tiffee's return to the club, after being cut by the AAA Scranton/Wilkes Barre Yankees earlier this week]
by Terry Tiffee
Hey. How you doin? Uh...look, this is tough for me to say. So I'm just gonna say it.
Terry is sorry, baby.
I didn't mean to say all those things. You know that. I'm not like that.
I know. I know. I hurt you. I'm sorry. I was excited. I was going to THE SHOW!! It was going to be great!! I was finally getting out of this shitty town!! I was...
Wait...you know I didn't mean that. I mean to say, I was finally going to realize my dream of playing for an MLB club. Of course I love it here. I do. You guys...you guys are like family.
Everidge, you fat fuck, c'mere!! I love you, man. Believe it. Terry LOVES you. Family!! I would never knowingly hurt my family. Even if they are a bunch of no-talent has beens like you, Suarez. Ha-ha! Noogie!!! (Tiffee gives Lancaster shortstop Iggy Suarez a "noogie")
Wait...where are you going? Come back!! WAIT!!
Look, I'm really sorry. Terry is so, sooo sorry, baby. I said some awful things. I just want you to forgive me. I promise this won't EVER happen again. Please. I'm begging you. I've got nowhere else to go. Seriously. After I got the call from the Yankees, I called my wife and said, "Pack your bags, honey, I just hit the jackpot!!" When she asked whether she should pack for warm or cold weather, I said "I don't give a fuck, just be out of the house when I get home!!"
She didn't take that too well. She changed the locks. So seriously, I've got nowhere else to go.
HEY!! Is that my old locker? AWESOME. I've got all my stuff here, so I can move right in!!
I'm so glad to be back, guys. You have no idea.
So...we're cool, right? No harm, no foul?